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Buck receives letters from many fans and, between seasons, provides guidance to those concerned with the larger issues of the day. Due to the research responsibilities at the Advanced Plucking Institute, Buck can’t answer all "Letters from the Edge" but the following sampling from the most recent mailbag should be helpful to those who rely on "America’s Most Trusted Naturalist."
Dear Buck,
The lesser-paid girls on leftover magazines are showing up with beauty marks like my mole. Nicki’s mole is too close to her nose and looks like a big booger.
Cindy, No Cover Up here, Author of NEVER LOSE FACE
Oh, booger off.
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Dear Buck,
Is a pinch more than a dash? Whisper it to me then shoo! Dinner starts in 20 minutes. Oops. I’ll mop that up later.
Julia, Still a Child after all these Years, PBS Staff Kitchens
Oh, dash it all!
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Dear Buck,
Do deer really feel like deer, you know, or are they just people in deer clothing?
Senior Cast Member, Large Animal Section/Disney Animation
Only deer that are well traveled question their "deer-ness" and these heightened sensibilities are very costly on hunting season’s opening day.
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Dear Buck,
As pack leader, I’d like to bark total support of the ban of leghold traps or, for that matter, any traps. Also, we’d like to see lids on the big garbage cans with foot triggers.
Rocky Raccoon, Out of the Porch, eating Garfield’s lunch.
Thanks for scratching a line.
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Dear Buck,
My friends kid me but I like women with mustaches, a full beard, even. I’m not keen on marrying one, however, because the house has only one sink.
M. "Little Shaver" Gillette, A Blue Blade Blue Blood
I understand. Hairs to you.
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Dear Buck,
With all the ozone holes, how do ducks avoid flying through them? Would it help if I kept my refrigerator door closed?
Leon, The Man from Freon
Birds that hold a steady altitude easily miss the horizontal holes. Yes.
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Dear Buck,
Ducks always seem to fly low in bad weather. Why don’t they fly above the weather, like airplanes?
Senior Air Traffic Controller, On Break and Popping A Cap, O’Hare International
At 30,000 feet, the difference between the ordinary duck’s inside cabin pressure vs. the feathered outside will cause a sudden decrease in altitude not to mention an awful mess for anyone below.
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Dear Buck,
The small beauty mark just above my lovely upper lip is a mole NOT an infected blackhead. The mole has been a lovely feature on a lovely face all my life and, on vacation, I stop shaving the lovely single hair that lives within the mole.
Cindy, The Lovely Cover Girl, REVELING IN MY LOVELINESS
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehole.
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Dear Buck,
My hen quacks at me all day long. Stand here, sit there. Quack, quack, quack. She’s not the Daisy I once knew. Buck, how do I get these animators to "imagine" up a young one? You know what I mean. I’d even take a mature duckling.
Don Duck, Bursting at the Seams in a very old Fauntleroy Suit.
Like everyone else in the Magic Kingdom, you’ll just have to wait your turn.
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Dear Buck,
I am Spock. Dr. Spock is not. For awhile, I thought I was not Spock but I, not Spock, made the mistake. Spock doesn’t make mistakes. And I sure didn’t make as many mistakes as Dr. Spock. Anyone with kids knows what I mean.
Leo Nimoy, Still Starry Eyed from the Long Trek.
It’s time to beam yourself back up.
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Dear Buck,
One more example of how out of touch Mother’s verse really is that story about the old woman that lived in a shoe. Well, she had so many children her organs should have fallen out!!! Didn’t they have Planned Parenthood back then? Jeez, Louise, Buck. And where was Dad? Buck, I’ll lay odds the old lady voted Democrat!
Daughter Goose, Still On the Public Dole.
Readers, if the shoe fits, wear it!
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Dear Buck,
Remember Jack and Jill that went up the hill? I think Mother was using this verse as a parable because Jill was pregnant with Jack’s baby. When she fell and broke her water, Jack hit his head on a rock to avoid child support.
Daughter Goose, Author, MOTHER NEAREST
Yes.
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Dear Buck,
Are those hearing protectors any good? Whaaaaaat? Speak up, please!
Mr. Wynnn Chester, Ready on the Firing Line. P.S. I STILL can’t hear you!
Yes. YES!!
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Dear Buck,
One of Mother’s rhymes should be reversed: to wit: Jack, jump over the candlestick; Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. For this reason: Any Jack that isn’t nimble and quick jumping over an open flame will be a Jill once the smoke clears.
Daughter Goose, Moving Out of Mom’s Long Shadow.
I agree.
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Dear Buck,
We’re working on BAMBI; the Teen Years but we seem to have lost track of our little moneymaker. Have you seen the little spike?
Dance coordinator, Large Animal Unit, Disney Animation.
Yes, he’s hiding in my freezer.
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Dear Buck,
From my field research here and abroad, it seems things started getting goofy when man stopped hunting and became gatherers. Now I may not have scientific proof of this but I feel it right down to the bottom of my large khaki britches.
Maggie Mead, Author, Throwing Up in New Guinea
At some point, even famous anthropologists must fly by the seat of their pants.
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Dear Buck,
If a grizzly bear grabs your Alaskan trophy salmon, can you shoot the bear?
Name Withheld Upon Request, Two Miles Downstream of Where The Bear First Grabbed The Fish.
Only if the fish is properly hooked.
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Dear Buck,
Does prostrate surgery work on older elephants? I need to know, soon. Thanks.
The Bell Captain, Last Call at Will Call, FLA
When performed under what can only be described as "difficult and unusual circumstances", elephant prostate surgery can relieve primary symptoms but may also leave a bull elephant with a permanent "dry" organism and a long memory of how things used to be which will prove mighty uncomfortable for nearby villages.
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