Ask Santa

A small number of letters from children around the world have been mistakenly delivered to Buck’s lodge up north and, recognizing Santa’s large workload, not forwarded, but answered in holiday spirit.

• What is Santa's real name?

  Some call him St. Nicholas, others St. Nick, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, and #!@* by those who received nothing on their list.

• Is Mrs. Claus going to her High School Reunion? What will she wear at the banquet?

  Depends. If the old gal can shed 15 pounds, Santa will let her pick something nice from the return pile.

• Do the Clauses have any children of their own? If not, any problem in the big red trousers?

  They consider elves their children or, privately, their “litter”. How big a litter could Mrs. Claus carry? Given the size of her hips, it is probably 5-6 at a time.

• Is the North Pole a city, a town, a village? Where is the dump? Do they recycle?

  Yes, yes, yes. The dump is behind the post office. Letters from children and other junk mail go in the big red dumpster. Yes.

• What happens when a reindeer calls in sick?

  Elves enjoy extra helpings of reindeer meat at suppertime.

• What do naughty boys and girls in Thailand call Santa?

  Phat prik.

• Where exactly is the North Pole?

  It’s certainly north of here and, most importantly, not in Sweden. Those who say the latter also say Volvos are low-maintenance vehicles.

• What is Mrs. Claus's first name?

  A scullery elf heard that her birth certificate shows “Uff Da” as her Christian first name and born, oddly enough, with a hoof as a right foot. At home, Santa just calls her “Sweet Cheeks”.

• Is the North Pole too cold for insects? If so, why the song Fleas Navidad?

  Large ungulates attract fleas. Sung nicely by José Feasonyou.

• How many elves could sleep on a king-sized bed? California King? Fit into the trunk of a 2006 Toyota Camry?

  King-sized bed: single layer—6, double layer 12 with shoes off.
  
  California King: 8—one layer, 12—double layer with pillows.
  
  Toyota trunk: f you have rope—9, possibly 10.

• Where should I put my long list? I was a good boy ( he/him ), girl ( she/her ) this year.

  Under the big rock in the garden, the Easter Bunny will pick it up on the next hippity, hooitay.